Archive for June, 2010

Just a note about things I want

Dog: Rottweiler or Shiba Inu

Trip: HK

Training: Shaolin Kung Fu / Tai Chi

Memoirs of a Geisha

Still one of my all time favorites.

The passion is palpable and her eyes just drive me absolutely insane.

I’ve listened to the OST more times than I can remember.

Simply amazing.

Passions

Never let them go, for anyone. Just find someone who will enjoy them with you.

Juggling Women

Last night, Bri told me she thinks I just like juggling women… At first, I couldn’t come up with a response besides just nodding my head because it actually sounded about right to me at the time. Bri even justified it by telling me, Why shouldn’t I with everything that I have going for me? I’m young and headed down a long road of success. Truth is, most of the women that I’ve spent the time to meet after graduation have shown me more interest than I’ve ever seen in the past. They know what’s up.

I don’t think that’s the case though. I think the real deal is that I juggle girls because the one that I really want is with me in a most complicated relationship. Not only that but it is also mixed with my own complications which include but are not limited to fear of rejection and especially denial. It’s safer to not open up.

For a while now, all my friends have been telling me that I’m in denial of my feelings for her and they consistently ask me when I’m going to make it happen. Her’s too. For me I don’t think it’s that simple. How the hell do you even do that? Girl-friend to girlfriend? shitty little hyphen…

//cut

I’m having difficulties curbing myself for her because of the way I’ve been talking to her for so long. Sometimes I blurt on about other women when I know I shouldn’t. Sometimes I knowingly push her buttons at the wrong times too… I think this is some kind of protective mechanism that I’ve built as a part of my aforementioned denial. I still push her away subconsciously.

She’s good for me because I know that even when everyone else is annoyed to tears with her some how, I’m not. Sometimes I play along with it because I know that’s what she wants but in the end I’m down with who she is. This weekend alone is enough confirmation of this for me. I was confronted this weekend by someone who asked me if what she was doing at the time pissed me off… Blowjob Shot. I said, of course not. I know who she is.

About me | Ack of pronoun game

I unlock the door before she comes over just to let her obnoxiously barge into my apartment. She thinks she has free reign over my stuff.

She’s good for me because on the rare occasion that she has actually pissed me off (I can only count two times and I don’t even remember why) I can still keep my cool with her and let her know what the problem is without worrying that she won’t understand me. She knows. Hell she’s good for me because of the fact that I even bother to get pissed off at her in the first place. Usually I just cut people who piss me off out of my life without hesitation. I’ve gotten testy with her a couple times and every time that’s happened she has realized that she needed to quit her shit, for me, even though I know she’s still got more to say. And every time that happens, I feel like crap for my inability to handle it. She’s ok with it when I’m mad at her. She’s awesome.

I can read her like a book when we’re together. I can easily predict what she’s going to do next and I like that stability. A lot of the time she can figure out what I need or am looking for without me even saying anything.

She’s good for me and that’s my biggest issue with the whole thing because she’s good for me. It’s scary for me to think about this becuase what’s on the line is such a big part of my life; My best friend, my one true confidant. But it’s kind of even scarier for me to think about what would happen if I let her slip and we never tried. It’d be nice that’s all… Wussup superwussy? Nah, I just want the best things for myself and she’s the best as far as I’m concerned.

The bump

The bump works but I’m not sure how well yet. I suppose this week is going to be bump week. I still have another go tomorrow night.

Tonight, I connected with two girls for sure.

First: Across the room, there was an Asian girl. I simply sent an acknowledgment back to her when our eyes locked and that was enough to get her giggling. A simple head tilt will do.

Second: Maggie Mae’s, I only found one girl in the entire place that I was interested in but she was at least 6 inches taller than me. Pretty girl in a blue dress. I directed William at her first. He declined and said that she was too up tight and you could tell by her body language. True. However, I felt a connection that she was watching me dance with the ladies we were with and I decided that the door on that was not locked, just closed and untested. I started with the move from First* and slowly edged in using Loren as a safety. Then I used the bump when I was close enough to her and checked her reaction. I couldn’t see her… So I tried again, this time making sure I was in range and went in for it. I let her know that I was not bumping her on accident and it lead to back to back dancing. At first I pushed her a little, then she pushed back, I slowed it down and she followed so I knew she was in. Something to note about slowing it down a bit, even though it was only back to back it was actually very sexual. I broke it off for a split then pushed back on her and would have kept going had my friends not decided to leave. But, I did feel a spark even with just the back rubbing.

That spark with the girl who was deemed difficult was enough to keep me on top for the rest of the night. Hell yeah.

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